Desperate

Today wasn't a very good day or night for me. Just random things weren't going my way. There is no one to blame except me, myself, and I. I just have random bad days sometimes. I'm am positive everyone knows or feels my pain. On a side note, I am trying to quit smoking, I still smoke, but not nearly as much as I used to. I can actually run, without getting winded. Also see: Cardiovascular. But as all of us smokers know, you always want a cigarette, especially after a bad day. So, as I am about to go to sleep it just keeps digging and digging, I can't break free from this craving. Also see: Addiction. I don't buy cigarettes anymore so I have none. But I do have a tin full of empty cigarette packs I have collected over the years. And no, before you guess I didn't remove the tobacco from the bottom of all of them and roll it up like some people do with butts in an ashtray. I am NOT that cool. But I did purchase a pack of Camel Non Filters back around sophomore year. My grandpa smoked them for years, he also died of lung cancer five years back. Also see Irony. I only smoked maybe five out of that pack of horrifically powerful cancer stick stimulants. (They taste like what South Africans must feel after finding out they have HIV from an American Doctor with a PHD that flew in on a multi million dollar lear jet (Also see: G6) who promised a cure years ago but still hasn't held up his bargain, most likely because even if he did find a cure he would never give it up because he enjoys receiving large sums of money for research that probably gets used to fill up his lear jet's gas tank, which costs $126.70 per pound. I looked it up so you don't have to.) But anyway back to the cigarettes. Yeah, I am so desperate to smoke that I got one of those cigarettes from the tin in my closet went outside and smoked it. They are terrible fresh out of the pack, you could only image how it was now. My head is now throbbing with pain from the carbon monoxide filled exhaust emitted. For me though, now it isn't so much about the feeling, I just enjoy the oral fixation. It is just too natural for me to not do. I hate smoking and never want to smoke another cigarette again. I do feel as if I were to carry those cigarettes around and smoke them when I was threatened by a craving I would be smoke free yesterday. As NAS once said, "Lifes a bitch, and then you die."

Regret

That word means so much when it all boils down.

You filled the void,

Of my greatest fear. And it was my fault.

Now we have to rebuild what we lost. Which should be easy. But like in hurricane katrina, even if the water dries, your carpet is still ruined. I'm glad you told me, now we move on. We move being stronger together.

My lack of blogging

Is due to, well, either my adsense getting shut off, or that everything in my life just seems to be going along perfectly. I made this blog to vent to and to just share my thoughts. But I have no need to vent, and my thoughts aren't very interesting to anyone unless your name is Zoe. I'm not thinking about the next big thing, granted I did have an idea for a tv that learns what you like to watch and reminds you automatically when your favourite shows come on without programming into the tv what your favourite shows are. But its apparently called tivo.

-A

Insomnia rampant

Insomnia is the worst. Wanting to sleep, dearly, desperately, wanting to sleep. But unable to subdue to this so called thing normal people do. If I didn't get to horrendously bored with just sitting or laying on my bed, it wouldn't be that bad. But there comes a time when enough is enough. Normally when my fan is on, the low pitch tone and cool breeze will knock me out in about 30 minutes of trying, but recently nothing has worked. I don't take medicine unless a doctor says to. Which then I will sometimes not even take my medicine. I don't believe in medicine. Not even aspirin. I just want to sleep naturally, and I have heard Valerian root helps. It is a natural thing I could take but I still don't. Maybe I need to be more open minded about medicine and its glory.

Other than my insomnia during the night light hours, the daylight hours were quite nice today. Was hanging out with Rodger today, for about five hours give or take. We went to subway with his girlfriend, and went to the coffee shop, yes, the shitty one. Didn't get much done today like we wanted but we did have various chats about random things with another one of our friends Derek.

Tomorrow, I am going to go to the kawasaki dealer in Mendon to look to see if they have any ninja 250s. I plan on getting one over the summer after I find employment, which I need quite desperately. If I had a job my life would just fall into place. I would really like that to happen.

To finish off this blog, Zoe is coming down on Saturday. Excited? YES! She has to accompany some people for their solo and ensemble pieces. So I will be hanging out with her all day. It should be nice. I am really looking forward to seeing her this weekend.

All is well for me. I am actually quite happy. Surprisingly. It is not a very normal occurrence.

-A

Earlier today

I was having some mental/emotional issues.. and I starting plotting out this blog. But honestly, I don't want to write the blog I had been planning for about two hours earlier. Because everything right now is perfect. Everything has been resolved, and I am happier than ever. I get down, and stay down for quite some time, but I always turn out being happy. I made this blog to vent to, which I do from time to time, but this time, this time I don't need to vent.

-A

Paths

Do you ever think we have a set path in life? And that the path provided for us can be changed by random occurrences? Or that we forge our own destiny, with new destinations in life? So many questions, so few answers...

This weekend

I haven't really blogged much this weekend which I do apologize for. I have been pretty active this weekend. Zoe and I went to South Haven on Saturday. I had a lot of fun. I think we both did. Got to see the sun set (all three of them. Yes, I did say all three of them. The civil, nautical, and the astronomical. At least if you hate my blog you learned something reading it.) We also walked up and down the beach after the sun set. I love our movie esque moments. We are so cliche. But it always feels so perfect when I am with her.

I also just got done working on my car. I had to fix some minor things, such as my neon inside my car and a speaker wire was coming loose from one of my speakers so I had to fix that. Pretty quick fix.

I loved the weather today. It hit about 85 degrees today. And I was complaining about the heat.. That's Michigan for you. Bitch about the cold, then bitch about the heat. But I am looking forward to more days like today, and this weekend for that matter.

-A

Lake Michigan

I love south haven. The pier is so relaxing.

Lets get started

Lets get started reading the new book that Rodger let me barrow. It is called "The Color Of Magic" by Terry Pratchett. I am refusing to judge a book by it's cover. Even though this cover is pretty neat looking I guess. I think that was always my problem with books, nothing seemed interesting to me. Probably because I only looked at the cover and occasionally read the back.

In other news, yet again speaking about Rodger I went over to his house today to see if he and I could diagnose and fix the problem he was having with his computer. Which we did get solved. It was simply a virus that he had been infected with, once removed all of his files on his hard drive were hidden. So we made them unhidden. What a concept.

In light of his scare of almost losing everything, music, movies, and pictures, I decided it would be a good idea to also backup my files. Rodger also had the idea of getting a remote server that we could store all of our stuff on. And also we talked about getting a web site going. Just for fun. All we have to do is buy a domain from a web hosting company such as go daddy, and we can starting hosting. Or we could get into cloud computing and do things that way. Who knows, the possibilities are endless.

My plans tomorrow include going to Lake Michigan with Zoe. I am quite excited for that expedition. I have only been there maybe twice in my life. And i enjoyed it quite a bit. I'm not going swimming but we are going to walk around and visit all the attractions.

-A

True love does exist,

"I love you more than any love or hate in the world that has ever existed.  more than any triumph or defeat.  out of all extreme human emotions... My love for you is the strongest, brightest, and deepest." - Zoe

I love skype

and i love zoe =]

Bananas!

Let's go back to actually living.

By that I mean wearing my Vibram Five Fingers. Today I switched back, as stated in the earlier post, and my feet are killing me. Let me give you some insight as to why. My orthopedist says I have "the flattest, or second flattest feet" he has ever seen. Since Five Fingers feel as if you are walking barefoot, giving no arc support, the arc in my feet are killing me. This happens every year, I have to go through a break in period where my feet adjust to the barefoot feeling. Orthopedic arc supports only comfort your foot, they don't actually improve the arc at all, they just make it hurt less. While Vibram Five Fingers actually strengthen the muscles in my feet and legs, improving my arc. Neat huh?

As for daily life that doesn't deal with footwear, I didn't really do much today. I am sorry to hear about my friend Rodger losing a lot of his music and all of his photos from the last two years due to a virus/hard drive failure. Not exactly sure how I would classify it. I lost a lot of my music about six months ago due to hard drive failure. It sucks, but music can be downloaded again, timeless photos cannot be refurbished.

As of right now, I am tired from a long day of doing nothing, but I am going to skype with my love before I stumble along into dreamland.

-A

I'm doing it.

I'm switching back to the five fingers. And oh man have I missed them. I do love my Nike 6.0s. But my vffs are so much better on my feet.

4 in the A.M.

Sometimes I feel annoying, like I might be a burden. I think you may be better without me, and I without you. I don't want to think this because I know you love me and know that I love you too. But things don't always work out between us, but fixing them is what we do best. These are all just little tests that life throws at us. Whether we pass or fail, we will still love each other. Nine years down the road, in beautiful sunny California.

Just redid the design

I think it looks quite nice now. It's simple, yet sophisticated. And I only used three kinds of font. A very important rule in graphic design. I may redo it again this weekend. It all depends I guess.

So my buddy Rodger told me to pick up reading again. I am going to be honest with you, I have only read a hand full of books. Ranging from Fight Club, to Holes. I'm not a very avid reader to be perfectly honest. Ever since elementary school I have never been a reader, just a listener. I have a comprehension problem. I have to read things two to three to fully comprehend what is trying to be conveyed. But I guess the way I could solve that problem is by reading.

So Rodger is going to let me barrow a book or a few and push me to start reading again. The mind is a beautiful thing to waste.

In other news, I am thirsty. But Wal-Mart didn't have chocolate milk.

And I miss my girl already. I can't wait until Saturday. <3

-A

Just to update

I really don't have anything to blog about. My babygirl is on her way to MI state to see her sister. She will be gone until Friday. Then I get to see her on Saturday. We are going to go to lake Michigan. It supposed to be really nice that day. I'm quite excited. We can stand at the edge of the pier and watch the sunset together.

As of current events, there are none. Just hanging out at my grandmas watching ncis (the best show on tv), drinking passion fruit juice, and smoking my cigarettes. I'm trying to quit or atleast slow down abundantly. I'm feeling the effects and I'm only 18. Time to quit. Any advice?

-A

cellular telephones

Have you ever thought about turning off your cell phone for one single day and not using it? I have many times, but i honestly don't think I would be able to go 24 hours without my phone. I have an HTC Evo, so it isn't just a phone. It is texting, calling, facebook, twitter, blogger, games, email, an 8 megapixel camera, a link to the world, the cure for boredom, the whole nine yards.
So if I went 24 hours without a phone I would think about suicide and or dying 15 times more in a day than I would while having my phone. Not that I am actually suicidal, it crosses everyone's mind. Neat little interesting ways to die, such as: the most popular one getting hit by a bus, or if some part of a Boeing 737/747 was to break off and fall 30,000 feet to the top of your head killing you instantly, or one of my personal favourites, peeing on an electric fence, even going to the bank to cash your check you got from working those dreadful 40 hours this week, to have the bank get robbed and you get shot for standing at the teller station that the robber wanted to use.
But anyway the moral of this blog is I keep getting calls waking me up. But I am still the one that refuses to turn my ringer off, because I would rather answer that call than sleep. It could be the girlfriend who did call earlier, my sister who also called not to long ago, it could be a potential employer, Bill Gates (Like that one is likely). It could be anyone, and all you have to do is answer. The President is trying to get everyone a cell phone with his "Obama Phones." Its a great idea in my humble opinion. But there is no way I could ever live without my phone.
-A

I can still feel her

I can still feel her heart beating in perfect sync with mine.
I can still feel her coarse hair brushing up against my nose, tickling at the touch.
I can still feel her skin, soft, smooth, excellent, with a gentle smell of body lotion.
I can still feel her lips touching mine, kissing to show our true affection.
I can still feel her touch from her hands caressing all over my body.
I can still feel her warmth from laying at the same spot I lay, as if she is still here holding me.
I can still feel her love when we are together, but not when we are apart.
And now I can't sleep.

Great day

Yesterday was a great day. Got to hang out with the girlfriend all day, night, and day today. She went home about 30 minutes ago. It was so nice to see her for that long. I love her so much.

Today is no shoes day. I am wearing shoes today. My logic behind my rebellion is: the no shoes day is focused on the middle east and south Africa where they can't afford or just don't have shoes. So they don't wear shoes.. well it snowed earlier today. So they may be fortunate to have nice hot weather with nice sandy ground. Well I am fortunate to have Nike 6.0s that cost me $112, while the Chinese guy gets paid 13 cents an hour to make them. Thank you for the shoes :) you enjoy your nice weather.

-A

Oh and another thing...

I checked up on 2 geocaches today. Still there, still with my and a few of my friends names. If you haven't heard of geocaching, you should stop what you are doing.. which is probably Facebook or YouTube, and Google geocaching. It will change your life from then on out.

4/4/11

I have never been so mind fucked in 2 hours of time. That is what happened today. Pitch a good idea with another good idea. I have never known anyone to have such marvelous ideas. And to collaborate on those ideas.

lets see what this blogger thing is about

yeah... it seems better than livejournal.